When scheduling college classes, I’ve been prioritizing long stretches of only classes to allow for long stretches of free time. In my first semester, classes were scheduled for me, and I found myself waiting an hour between classes because rarely did anything I wanted to do require only an hour, besides eating a meal. The second semester, I arranged my classes so that I rarely had breaks between classes, and I was much happier with that. Furthermore, I made it so that some days were marathons and others were more relaxed. Mondays and Wednesdays were packed, Tuesdays were packed save for a couple free hours in the middle, while Thursdays gave me the morning and early afternoon off and Fridays gave me the entire afternoon off. This was also something I liked. Mondays and Wednesdays would feel tiring, but that made it rewarding to get through the day. Thursdays gave me the opportunity to do all the homework due that Friday, and Fridays gave me the chance to start the weekend early. A schedule like this keeps me motivated because the reward of free time comes right after I’ve pushed myself with classes, and I feel I’ve earned to have easy days on Thursdays and Fridays. Plus, it takes longer to walk home than between classes, so time spent traveling is minimized.
When I was forced to do school work from home, aside from a couple Zoom classes, I was on my own determining when was work time and when was free time. This also worked out well because how I remained focused on getting the week’s work done as soon as I could do it. However, the flexibility meant that if I was suddenly inspired to write a song as had happened, I had the opportunity to do it consequence-free. However, the cost was that I was never motivated to do work for as long as I used to be able to marathon classes. Being in class meant that no matter how bored you got, class continued until it ended.
Now that it’s summer again, college has been over for a month, and I’ve found myself in a situation where I can’t work, I feel really unfulfilled. In my current situation, Mondays to Wednesdays are completely my own time, and I’ve been spending a lot of that time on my Sonic hack. Thursdays are also my own, but my little brother Oliver is back from his mothers, he is interested in spending as much time as he can with me, which takes away from my free time. Fridays are dedicated purely to watching Oliver while everyone is at work. Then, the weekends are spent at my mother’s where 100% of my time is spent with Gar, my other little brother who is just as infatuated with me. Just like at college, I have about half free time and half busy time, though the way it is allocated is completely unrewarding. Free time is easier to waste and doesn’t feel as special when it’s all at once. In addition, whatever I’m busy doing has no tangible benefits. I’m earning no money or grades, and my brothers’ happiness isn’t something I can measure. When spending time with them, we mainly play video games, which doesn’t feel like a productive activity. There are many things I’d rather be doing than playing the games my brothers like to play, but because they are games, I feel like I’m being unproductive while playing them. I’d be way happier with a job, where I could do things that felt like accomplishments and be reimbursed for the time I spent.
I feel like I’m stuck in this situation because I don’t live on my own. Ever since before my Senior year of high school I had been dying to get out of the state and be on my own, and though I ended up going to college in Maine, I felt like living in a dorm was exactly what I needed. With all the time I had to myself I could choose what felt to be the most beneficial, and when I was doing things for someone else I could set boundaries so I didn’t feel like I was wasting my time. That’s harder when I live with the people who depend on me and could decide they want my attention at any time for as long as they want. Everytime Oliver asks me to play with him and I say no because I'm not in the mood, I feel selfish and like I’m taking my free time for granted.
I also feel like I’m getting nowhere by interacting with no one but my family. I’ve always had a hard time developing relationships with my friends because I never put in the effort. My Senior year of high school was the first year I did anything with friends outside of school or work since I moved to Portland for seventh grade. I was rarely ever motivated to do anything with people outside of my family because the amount of work it took seemed too big. Even now it takes a lot of consideration before deciding to even talk to my friends. But, I’m now feeling like I’m not gaining much by being around only my family. I want to get to know other people and develop relationships because I don’t think I’m able to develop relationships with my family members any more than I already have. Of course, the fact that there is a fucking deadly virus further complicates things.
Right now, I’m just waiting for someone to find someone else to take care of Oliver on Fridays so I can find a job and start saving up for my own apartment. I might even try to find a job that can allow me to take Fridays off if nothing happens. I was told I wouldn’t have to do it in July, but now seem to be changing for the worse. Until then, I’m left to wait.
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